I had honestly meant to cease with the venting today and post something nice about flowers and birds and pretty girls with naturally curly hair. Then I turned on my radio.

Superior Court Judge Kevin McCarthy, you are an idiot. I hope you read this, and I hope it angers you, and perhaps you send me a fancy cease and desist letter that I can use to clean up spilled tequila during my pending New Year’s Eve party. However, seeing as how you apparently have no actual knowledge of law, this is very unlikely.

As a bit of backstory, when Barry Bonds hit his record-breaking 73rd home run a couple seasons back, a gent by the name of Alex Popov managed to snag the ball before he was sent sprawling to the ground by a trample of Bay Area jackalopes with dollar signs in their eyes. Contrary to the cited article in a moment, Patrick Hayashi physically reached into Popov’s glove and stole the baseball, claiming it as his own. He would have gotten away with it if he hadn’t made an immediate attempt to sell it at which point Popov had his name, filed a lawsuit, and the bitter war over the ownership of this $1,000,000 ball began. It should have been a foregone conclusion – North America does not run on the ‘might is right’ philosophy where I can own everything of yours because I’m bigger or stronger. Possession is 9/10ths of the law – unless, of course, you’re a slack-jawed knob like Kevin McCarthy.

“Their legal claims are of equal quality and they are equally entitled to the ball,” McCarthy ruled. “The ball must be sold and divided equally between the parties.” (Read the report here)

Does this whack-job even realize what can of worms he’s just opened? He’s just made it not only acceptable, but totally within the law, to own something of someone else’s simply by taking it! We can now effectively show up at one another’s houses for Christmas, and immediately upon watching you open your gift, I can take it. It’s mine now, I’m bigger and stronger than you. You want it back? Sorry, let’s sell it to the highest bidder and split the profits.

Many years ago our society took a monster step back when someone of the same ilk as Mr. McCarthy decided that it was illegal to sell coffee without first ensuring the client was aware it came hot. This little atrocity has turned us into a society of laughing stocks to any other nation that fully have the ability to use their minds and act accordingly. Did you know that it’s illegal to sue for your own stupidity in New Zealand? If you go bungy jumping and the chord breaks, tough luck. Yet here, a woman can burn her chin on a pickle in her hamburger and her husband can sue McDonald’s for “lost services”. Bovine corn-fed men can launch lawsuits against the Hamburglar because they’re morbidly obese. And now, we can own at least half the value of something we want simply by stealing it.

In the words of the great Gary Cherone, “stop the world, I wanna get off.”

Cheers!