If you’ve been paying attention, you know I love the Toronto Maple Leafs. You also know I HATE HATE HATE Wade Belak. I wish ill will upon Wade Belak. I wish Wade Belak would take an errant skate blade to the head – not enough to kill, but enough to retire. I’d settle for a trade, though. So you can imagine my excitement when it was announced today that the Leafs had resigned the defensive wunderkind to a new contract – details withheld. I’m telling you now, if he cost more than a Big Mac and a bag of pucks he came too expensive. Oftentimes it’s hard to indicate exactly how bad one particular hockey player is without actually watching a game. But this, friends, might give you some idea – as excerpted from today’s press release:
“Belak, 26, set career-highs in 2001-02 for games played (63), goals (1-tie), assists (3), points (4), and penalty minutes (142).”
Yes, friends. Good old Wade Belak, utility forward and defense, tied his career high in goals last season with 1. 1 goal. What this means is, prior to these two stellar seasons of lighting up the twine with a goal, Wade Belak had scored as many goals in the NHL as I had. I’m going to e-mail the Toronto Maple Leafs to point out a glaring grammatical error in that press release. Why, it says “goals (1-tie)”, where it should say “goal (1-tie)”. And for being a useless blockhead with the scoring touch of a diseased coyote, Belak will make more money next season than I will in the next 10. If Belak was to score a hat trick in one game he would more than double his career goal output. I’m quite surprised we resigned him. You’d think his agent would have been beating General Managers back with a stick. I mean, what team wouldn’t love a goal every one or 63 games?